My friend Amy has a similar work situation
kid in hockey warmups #1: we want to pierce our ears, which earrings are the best?
me: well, we recommend the 14kt. gold...
kid #1: we're just shoving them through our ears, which are the best for that?
me: the piercing earrings are sharp on the ends? technically, none of the earrings are the best for that because that's gross.
kid #2: *holds up christmas earrings* if i wore these, would you date me?
me: no
kid #2: why not?
me: uh, i'm a lot older than you.
kid #2: i'm 17! it's not like that's illegal.
me: actually, yeah. that's pretty illegal.
Customer: What are those? What are they for?
Me: Batteries.
Customer: Huh?
Me: BATTERIES. DOUBLE A BATTERIES.
When she handed me her rewards card, I glanced at her name. After her name was Ph.D.
One of our regular customers is a guy I affectionately refer to as Creeper, because he is EXTREMELY cross-eyed, and as you may have guessed, creeps everyone out. Last night, creeper paid for his items with a few gift certificates.
Me: (after I processed the gift certificates) Okay, you'll have a balance of a little over a dollar left on this one.
Creeper: Wait! You were supposed to do the other one first! Now I'll have to spend this one again this month!
Me: Well, you should have told me that. There isn't much I can do now. The new one will have a new expiration date, though.
Creeper: (leans in as I lean back) You should have known to do that!
Me: It's not my job! You're in here every week anyway, this won't expire.
Creeper: Fine. (Sees new expiration date) Oh, okay. You and I are okay. I'm not gonna get you in trouble.
Me: I wasn't gonna get in trouble.
Creeper *scowls and leaves*
Dearest 'publican customers:
I do not celebrate Christmas. Many of my friends do not. Many of them do. Many celebrate other holidays such as Channukah, Ramadan, a few Wiccan things that creep me out but are still absolutely fine, and some people don’t celebrate anything. I want to wish all of my friends (including the Christians) a good holiday season, so I say Happy Holidays. Nobody is making me say anything at all, it is a personal choice. I could easily get away with just telling you to leave (as I’m apt to do). 90% of the time, I really couldn’t give a fuck how YOUR holiday season goes, but I try to be nice.
Saying “Happy Holidays” is not a slight against Christmas. It’s a slight against you.
That’s David Bowie with Bing Crosby. This is the only Christmas song I really enjoy. I like other stuff around the holidays, but mostly instrumental jazz-type stuff, like John Coltrane.
Instead, the store spends an entire month playing different versions of the same song over and over again. So instead of hearing Crosby or Bowie or Coltrane or Billie Holiday, I get to hear Mariah Carey and the like. All day, every day.
Oh, and I can also say that after having heard it at least 40 times in the last three weeks, “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is the most date-rapey song ever written. That song is about rape.
*phone rings*
Me: This is David, can I help you?
Customer (female): Do you carry electronic time clocks?
Me: Time clock?
Customer: Yeah, for employees.
Me: Oh, uh, yes we do.
Customer: How much do they cost?
Me: Umm, let me check. I'm not even sure if we have any in stock right now.
Customer: Oh, I'll just come in and check.
Me: Wait! I really don't -*click*
Later, a thirty-something woman came in.
Customer: Do you have any of these time clocks in?
Me: Let me check.
*I check*
Me: Nope.
Customer: You don't have ANY of them?
Me: Nope.
Customer: I called, and the person I spoke to said you guys had them. So you lied?
Me: You talked to me. I did not lie.
Customer: YOU said you had time clocks.
Me: I said I didn't know if we had any in stock. You hung up on me.
Customer: Fine. *Leaves*
This is why you should be polite on the phone. You might waste gas.
A grown man (with a three year old kid) drew a dick on the credit card reader instead of signing his name.
Man: Hahah. Why aren't you laughing at that?
Me: Grow up.
Man: YOU grow up!
This is actually the second time I’ve looked forward to a day off only to spend it in the ER.
Jesus Sanchez!
Black Friday was essentially the equivalent of spending 10 hours watching your own brain cells starve to death. It was mostly just a million tiny things (like any given day at any given job), and only one guy stood out.
I was busy running around checking prices and stock for people when my a tall, mustachioed Mexican man in a black trench coat grabbed my arm. (on a side note, I later found out from my manager that this man's name, no joke, is Jesus Sanchez and he used to come in and cause trouble all the time.
Me: *pulling my arm away* Hey, let go.
Jesus Sanchez: I have questions about shredders.
Me: Sir, I have three different people who need my help (no lie!), you'll need to wait a minute.
This is typically the point where customers either look for someone else to help them or get angry at leave. But Jesus Sanchez doesn't take no for an answer! At this point, Sanchez stood RIGHT (I mean a good six inches) behind me for TWENTY MINUTES while I helped other people. I purposefully started walking in odd routes around the store trying to lose him for two seconds (I really don't like being followed, and I especially don't like people standing right behind me). I finally turned around and lost it.
Me: STOP.
Jesus Sanchez: What's wrong?
Me: STOP FOLLOWING ME. I told you I'd help you when I got the chance. PLEASE stop following me or I'm going to get angry!
Jesus Sanchez: You should have helped me first!
Me: NO. Now, I'm going to go get this couple over there get a monitor. You can either wait HERE, find another associate (literally, almost the entire staff of the store was working. He easily could have found someone who wasn't busy), or anything you want, but YOU MUST stop following me.
Once I finally got to him, he looked really annoyed.
Me: Now. What can I help you with?
Jesus Sanchez: This shredder. In the ad. It says this shredder is 30 dollars, but the tag says 70 dollars!
Me: There's a 40 dollar rebate.
Jesus Sanchez: What? Why?
Me: Just go to the website on the receipt and they'll mail you 40 dollars.
Jesus Sanchez: Then forget it, I don't want it!
Before I went into work on friday, my goal was to not hide from customers all day. I stupidly thought I could do it. Jesus Sanchez was in the store for 20 more minutes that day, and that's how long I hid in the office.
A man on his cell phone walked up to me today and without saying a word, tapped me on the shoulder (do not like) and handed me a card with a bunch of different ink types on it. He turned away and kept talking. RUDE RUDE RUDE.
Me: Yeah, this doesn't tell me what you want. I don't know which of these you want.
Customer: (keeps talking on his phone)
Me: HEY. I don't know what you want on here, and I have other things to do right now!
Customer: (looking annoyed) I want all of them!
Me: Okay. One moment.
I then went and sat in the warehouse and sat with my eyes closed for five minutes. It was a good five minutes.
Me: (with the ink) Here you go.
Customer: What the hell took you so long?
Me: I was on the phone!
